Sufi School International Spiritual and Mystical Practices


Sufi School Upward Stream

Author: Ruslan Zhukovets

Translated by Sufi: Zufar Galeev

It seems to me, at least once in his life, each person asks himself the question “Why do we live?”  or rather if to say “Why do I live?” And some people have been struggling with it for years. In a broad sense, there are a lot of answers to the question “Why do we live?” They can be invented, and a great multitude have been invented during the existence of mankind. For example, there is a biological question or rather a biological answer. From the point of biology view, we, as real animals, live in order to survive, to maximize our existence and give offspring. And this is the process of life reproducing. One need to find the conditions in which you will survive, give offspring so that life goes on. That was the essence of primitive life where all people were formed into clans and clan ties. Worship of deceased relatives was existed, and so on. This whole topic was aimed exclusively at procreation and survival. Somehow, from the point of biology view, it corresponded probably to such optimal system.

Another answer could be like that: we live in order each person could be realized externally and internally, a person is developed to reveal his potential. And for example, having reached the peak of his potential to create something very good. From the point of humanity view, moving in progress and creating a second nature, humanity comes to a creation that is almost equal to the creation of the Lord. We actually came to that, when we began to deny the Lord after we made some technical progress. Generally, in something we felt ourselves equal to God. And now they ponder the question of what happens if we create such an artificial intelligence that will surpass us and as he would demolish our divine power. We will create something more perfect than ourselves, these pseudo-philosophical thoughts on this topic are `present. But I'm afraid that they all, like many pseudo-philosophical thoughts, are about nothing, it's just a way to waste time.

One can, for example, give an answer that we live in order to know God, to serve God. To live this short earthly life and gain eternal life somewhere late in some kind of another dimension, whether in Paradise or Hell but in some way, in a certain and different form. Here we exist in the vale of suffering, in endless trials and difficulties. And then we will rest in the next world in a beautiful environment if we live our life well here. A lot of answers like these have been created and a lot have been invented. But the personal question “Why do I live?” always discards all these answers, big beautiful answers, because the essence of the questioning is completely different. When a person begins to bother with the question “Why does he live?” this means that his current life, his current condition here and now does not suit him very much. He has so much dissatisfaction in his life with what he has now. Inevitably and gradually, he has a question “Why all this?” Why do I waste my energy on what I'm wasting them on? Why do I live the way I live? Why am I at all? Because dissatisfaction, as a rule, reaches such a peak that all his own manifestations become aggravating. They all entail discomfort, and therefore the following questions arise: “Why am I here? Why do I even need myself, even to myself?” Of course it is always asked with a touch of self-pity yet. It is a matter of such weakness, it is a matter of decline, whether a matter of internal big tear.

In principle, there is one universal answer to the question “Why are we here”. Any large answers can also be considered like universal. We can start from human nature, looking at it neither as animal nature, nor as such coming nature. Well, here, we exist in the physical body for a short time, and then we will exist long in another body, in the eternal body, happily and eternally. But simply if we state the fact what a person is from an energy point of view? Then we will get an answer, in general, to which everything will fit.  A person can be a conductor of energy and a transformer of energy. That is, we receive energy in the form of food, in the form of impressions, in the form of various energy impulses. Do you know how one person full of anger can make everyone angry else? In general, this can be easily grasped. And then you become the vehicle of someone else's anger; you hooked this energy, your `etheric body entered it, or rather, this energy entered your etheric body and it was charged. Your own anger was added to the situation, and you are already transmitting the energy of anger. So, we can receive the energy of sunlight which is also processed by us. We receive quite a few types of food and various energies that help us live. They ensure our existence in the physical body, in the etheric body and in the mind`s body through impressions. When transforming these energies, we give out our own emotional reactions. The mind works, which, in general, is also the certain radiation of energy. There is a physical activity without which we cannot exist.

And from this point of view, we exist here in order to pump energy constantly. Even when we sleep, we still allocate a certain energy. And this universal view allows us to enter anything into it. Because we have no choice to pump or not to pump. Necessities are built in our physical body and in all other bodies. If we are going and want to live somehow, they will not allow us to sit still. We need to get food. We need a certain amount of comfort. We need warm, so just not to freeze in winter. Excuse me, but there is quite serious sexual need, and a number of other necessities that constantly push us. We should do it, we should act, we cannot sit, simply take a chair. That is, if we suddenly decide to die, then please, we can sit and sit, close our eyes like a true Buddhist monk and die in meditation. Or die simply because we don’t eat and drink as well as do not move. We stop all energies in ourselves.

In essence, in general, we will pump up almost the same energy. That is, if it is some kind of feelings, then there will be a desire, an idea. Or negative emotions if your desire does not come true. It is the whole usual standard set of what every person may emit at the energy level, but the content of ideas may be different in this case. You can be a Christian, you can be a Muslim, you can be a Buddhist, no matter who are you. The content of your efforts will be different, and the essence of what is happening is the same, that you pump an energy. You can be a liberal, a conservative, I don’t know, you can be some kind of communist. Everyone will have different ideas in the head. You will pump the same indignation if something happens that does not coincide with your idea. You will scream at each other on the air exactly the same, just in different words with a different message. Well, in the sense that one shouts for freedom, and the other is for order, for example. The essence is the same, the pumping is on, the energy is pumped, the world continues to exist.

As long as you have a set of ideas that you believe in, you may experience discomfort, you may experience different feelings, but you are hardly wondering why you are here? The questions like “Why do I live”, “Why am I here” arise exactly when you have a crisis. When you cannot pump the old way, when you are in a situation, in which the old things have already either disappeared and do not work, and the new ones either have not appeared, or you do not allow them to appear. The whole problem is that, for example, the more rabid you are, the more fanatical you are, the narrower your perception and you see the narrow picture of the world. It is always very clear, that is, there is good, there is bad, there is forbidden, there is allowed, and everything is clear. It’s easy enough to live in this framework, and where good and bad is written, it is always described why this is so, and why we must fight it, and why we should behave in this way, and what ultimately it gives us. Depending on the ideas that you believe in, you will accept determined point of view and you will not have doubts and hesitations. Doubts arise when conditionality collapses, when your experience begins to diverge from your ideas, and you are not ready to turn a blind eye to this discrepancy. The question “Why do you live?” or “Why do I live?”, or “Why do we live?” arises only in periods of crisis, in periods when you do not have the opportunity to either identify yourself with any way and with some idea, or when you are very tired. Because you can pump the same thing.

For example, a person lives in fear all the time. Well, he is in anxiety, in trouble. And he would like to pump something else, he would like to pump joy, to experience some bliss, but he cannot, he does not succeed. All of his mechanical reactions fixed in him lead to the fact that he has a fear. It happens when he is watching at his smallest irritants, when he simply looks at his situation, at his usual relationship with his relatives and people in general. The fear exhausts, the same as sadness or some kind of depression, when a person is constantly immersed in the same, in the same state, in which it’s difficult not just to pump, but even to live. Because there are energies that do not allow us to release our energy directly. There are conditions in which everything is blocked, fear compresses, fear blocks the flow of desires, which is a vital force. Sadness, depression is the consequence of the fact that desires are not realized, desires are suppressed. And on the one hand, most of the pleasures that we receive are the dumping of energy; sex is a drop of energy, alcohol consumption is a drop of energy. Endorphins are released after various festivals, physical activity, sports loads. A person feels euphoria directly after training. If we start to look at any pleasure, it’s a waste of energy, it is a dumping of energy, and it’s big enough.

You can have many prohibitions inside, you have a taboo inspired by your ideas, upbringing or by something else. You have the concept of forbidden things, wrong things, which is condemned, or you just have been instilled a sense of your own inferiority, incorrectness, that your actions are wrong. Then it turns out that you begin to block your own desires, you begin to suppress them. The fears may be different and out of fears you start forcibly to block the flow of energy in yourself. It's just a person who constantly suppresses different emotions. Energy blocks appear inside him that are projected onto the body. And the body oriented psychotherapy works with these blocks, with the fixation of the connection of the physical body with the emotional body and with the mind. Because all this, in general, works as one bunch. And if you have problems in the mind, they will affect the body; if you have problems in the body like constant pain, this will affect the state of mind. It will quickly sag very much, so-called an asthenic syndrome will begin and you will not be able to think normally.

And when you have a lot of such blocks, you don`t have a natural flow of energy. You are stopped, you can’t produce normally, you start living at half strength, your energy does not go inside, your energy centers are blocked, your life becomes like that when you’re tensed all time. You are not aware of it, but there is a tense. There is a lot of cold inside, which is fear on a physical level, in fact. And it’s impossible even to experience some kind of strong emotion, because, well, the energy does not rise. Everything is so much clogged, everything inside is so depressed that the voice becomes quiet, it is a classic. A person speaks quietly, it is happened among those who have anger, who have a ban on anger. And therefore there is this fear of expressing the anger of others and their own, they begin to speak quietly. They cannot supply, this supply through the speech becomes very weak for them, the energy flow becomes generally superficial and shallow. Everything is clamped inside, the energy goes so slightly, passes through some narrow channels, flows very limitedly. We constantly encounter this. And in such cases fatigue comes from your condition and you cannot do anything with it.

You would like to go beyond it, but on the one hand everything is so squeezed there. On the other hand, there are constant mechanical reactions of the return of these emotions. You didn’t expect and didn’t want them, but the alarm went again, you can’t do anything about it. You are exhausted, you are tired, and from this fatigue you begin to think that when all this will finally end. Why am I here, do I really have to suffer all my life, just suffer without any hope that something will change someday. This is a sign of crisis, you being compensated, you held on as much as you could and then all this compensation sagged. Your energy goes away all the time, you are so tense that groups of constantly strained muscles and so called muscle blocks just begin to appear in the physical body. Through them you lose energy, there is a so-called syndrome of chronic fatigue, it’s just when you have such stress all the time that you can’t really sleep at night. It`s a superficial or short sleep, insomnia starts. And what you get it leaves immediately. When you wake up, it seems you have more power but there is nothing till lunch time. It`s often occurring situation.

Then there is no answer for the question “Why am I here?” because the only answer that can be offered is to blame yourself. Well, it`s the explanations when usually people are manipulated? To manipulate a person, it is necessary to make him guilty. All parents use it when they put the child some conditions that he cannot fulfill, and then accuse him of not fulfilling them, and he becomes guilty. They tell him to sit still, he cannot sit still, he has such a wind in his body that he needs to move, and he is immediately blamed and after that the fault is instilled and maintained. He becomes controlled in this fault, because sooner or later he accepts it. He begins to believe that he is guilty and because of this he is forced to deny himself, deny his condition, deny his desires, deny everything that is possible. When people come with this question to someone who is going to manipulate them, it`s necessary to blame them. There are simple things, to say that you have bad karma in a past life. It`s the simplest explanation that explains everything. Why this person is all right and has a lot of money? He has good karma. Why is everything bad and not enough money? You have bad karma. And do not dig, you see, that's perfect. Another explanation from the same series, it seems you sinned a lot, but he replies, “I didn’t do anything”. “But you wanted to sin, tell me honestly, you wanted to do it more than once, which means that you almost sinned.” As a matter of the fact.

A lot of such explanations have been invented, the whole accusing nafs is based on such explanations, it is fed with them, it is nourished by them, and these explanations also do not explain anything. You are not to blame for the fact that once you were driven certain things into a head, in childhood you were given precepts, which then make you live as if you weren’t living. All creation wants to manifest. We receive the life`s force, it is manifested through the desires. We have to act in this world, this is one of the conditions of life, so everything is arranged like this. Within the framework of this energy pumping we must constantly move, this is normal natural state of affairs. To do something, to create something, to manifest ourselves somehow, to show our presence. We cut off ourselves by virtue of the prohibitions because we have such ideas. We forbid ourselves to desire, we become sick, we begin to go against life, we begin to go against the Stream, the very Downward Stream of Creation in which most people live.

And nothing can be explained here, because for that matter each person accepts his own answer “Why do I live?” to himself. Or he chooses it from those that he likes more, more to his liking, because bad karma is the verdict in fact. Let`s imagine you have bad karma and they give you recommendations. Do good karma for yourself. Well, in principle, that is start to suppress again, smile at everyone, do good endlessly, live for other people there and then your karma will be corrected. As if you would think that you lived for yourself when you suppressed everything, when you didn’t raise your voice, when you were afraid of everyone. You live for others, you try to please others, you try to be more or less good. Sometimes your tower is torn down, of course. But what is it on the whole?  Brought up in such a way that you need to smile at everyone, but you can’t smile. Fortunately, it’s not accepted with us to smile. We all go right away to show that there’s nothing, that nothing will happen, don’t even wait. We have such protective facial expression, because, forbid God, they will ask for something, but there is nothing on myself. And these great spiritual and religious exits are offered, so if we take exits there they all give a model of behavior that seems to help you. And people constantly write to me, they are trying to carry out all kinds of spiritual, classical practices in order to alleviate their condition, but it does not get easier. Because they pump, they generally begin to pump energy into certain channels that are not intended for this, are not intended to facilitate of what is now.

And if we talk about what is right in the situation that I described, then the only way out is turn this combination of its three lower bodies into a harmonious normally working unity, into a system that will freely produce energies, give them away and get new ones. Because when everything is blocked inside of you, you can’t get anything. Even if you go to some holy place or to some meeting where you will be given a transmission, you cannot receive. We see that people are closed, they suppress a lot, control everything, keep themselves by a big bridle. They can’t get anything, they’re not ready, they can’t give anything either. Because purification begins with the practice of expression, when you learn to express emotions, when you rebuild the whole system and work with a mind to remove this magical force of ideas and of belief that you have to limit yourself and you have to deny your desires.

Now I’m not even going to deep into this triviality that you all have bad desires. Because the mind turns on. When people of the accusing nafs hear such speeches, they immediately have the idea that if they let go of all their desires, they will become worse than Grigory Rasputin, because of which, as we know, the Russian Empire perished, in fact. That they will become libertines, money-grubbers and all this, I won’t even look at it, because it’s standard situation in general. It`s a pendulum of the mind, from one extreme to another. Everyone has very simple desires. Desires become complex when you crush them strongly. Basically, as a rule, complex desires are associated with sexual perversions, since we got into it. Due to the ban on normal sex, this energy begins to flow and unnatural fixations begin to form in the mind, which require some kind of absolutely zoological manifestations.

And if you start working with your mind, with your inner space, with your energies, then everything changes. It all leaves, as it leaves in normal development, when you grow and transform. A lust leaves completely, it simply does not exist, as energy, as state of mind, therefore there is nothing to be afraid of, in general. And there is the way out of depression, for example, if it is not clinical depression, when a person just lies and does not have energy at all. This one has such a suppression pendulum so that there are no desires at all. So, if you are just depressed, the right way out is to go after desires. You have to fulfill any smallest desire that you can find here and now, the simplest, most primitive desire, which you might think is stupid, you need to fulfill it. It’s like a step up, as if you had fallen into a hole, and made the first step to climb. Because depression is a reaction to a large number of unfulfilled desires, or to one very strong desire, which is also unfulfilled. When you experienced anger at first, you made efforts, you tried to realize it, but you couldn’t. And you are thrown into a depression, you don’t need anything, the heaviness and constant discomfort rise. In fact, it`s a pain in the heart center. Because what exactly is, desires enter through the heart center and here they appear when we work with them. A failure starts right here, it`s the severity of all unrealized energy, it swallows you. And if you start, and even take a small step in realizing a simple desire, you open a passage for yourself, exit from this state.

Because we live in a natural way when fulfilling our desires, this is the form of existence we are given in everyday life, we do not have another one. If you go against your desires, you destroy yourself, you won’t do anything with it. It’s another matter that you may have a half of the permitted desires and a half of forbidden ones, but you destroy yourself in half. Therefore, after you have fulfilled one small wish, take another step, fulfill the next desire. If you can find several desires and fulfill them, you will get out of depression in one or two days, in three at most. This is the key for those who suffer and who asks in this depression “Why I live”, “Why was I born in order to suffer?” No one was born to suffer. Generally, suffering is an unconscious choice, and often it`s the choice of those who raised us. When I asked my mother why she treated me very harshly in childhood, she said, “My mother also treated me the same way.” And the bribes are smooth, as it were, and so it is transmitted.

Justification of desires is necessary for people, probably, of the first three nafs, although, of course, for the second nafs, which is accusing, in which most people now live, it is simply vital. Because if you say so, then it turns out that the first commanding nafs lives for himself. The second condemning nafs against himself. The third nafs lives for everything that is existed, it tries to be inspired by everything, embrace everything: all religions, a healthy lifestyle, to realize all desires, let everything develop, allow everything that is possible. The fourth serene nafs just lives, it`s an exit beyond the three nafs, but still not reaching a higher level. This is a situation in which a person can simply live without high goals, without denial of great desires, but due to that he has already undergone the first serious transformation, he does not have the pressure of desires. Light and Darkness are not yet realized to him, but what he realized is in harmony. It`s a certain state in which you can simply live without inspiration, self-condemnation and chasing for desires. It`s a plane condition, a very good plateau. Fulfilled nafs lives for God, it`s a following the Will. And the highest sixth and seventh nafs live for Creation, but I think this topic is not for today's conversation.

It’s understandable that we almost never see pure nafs. There is always a mixture of several nufs in a person, the remnants of the first nafs, sufficiently developed the second condemning one, and the rudiments of the inspired nafs. Because sometimes a person thinks that the Lord is still Love, God is Love. He thinks so, crying, pitying himself, pitying God, and then after that, he again condemns himself for being very sinful. Therefore, talking about desires is necessary, because while everything is blocked, you can only download what you have, the emotional reactions come from which you are exhausted. We periodically come across people who were completely in control, kept themselves for a long time, and when they begin to go inside even a bit it begins to carry them. Streams of tears, repeated bouts of fear, anger for several months, when a person is just carried when this is revealed that lies inside. And we have a lot of energy inside. An incredible amount of energy can be pressed. And when you start to reveal it, these same suppressed emotions come out. And it seems that`s it, well, the light fades and a person pumps same thing… he pumps, pumps. But in practice it is a little different story. If it properly runs this period ends and the man begins to feel himself differently.

In life many people pump only this one and the same thing all the time, anger - sadness, anger - sadness, anger - sadness, anxiety – fear - sadness, and various similar combinations. Of course, this life looks absolutely hopeless, it looks like some kind of punishment, maybe even for bad karma, we don’t know, well, what you had to do for this, you can’t even imagine. And if we understand how we are arranged, this is the self-knowledge for which, as they say, one must live, then we will understand that if we work correctly with desires, if we understand how it all works, that by forbidding desires, that by suppressing desires, we destroy ourselves anyway. There are no options here that when we cannot pump, we cannot enjoy life. People who breathe in half, live in half, they stop even enjoying life, not that there is any kind of pleasure. There are plenty of such people. They live the way where their pleasures are so shallow that you don’t even know what to say when you look at them. And they all suffer in this inner discomfort, they all want to get out and finally to breathe something in. And they go on advertising all the time in the end, where they are sold something good, promising that this will be happiness, but there is no happiness. They bought it but still did not learn to breathe, did not learn to live.

When you buy something and feel guilty, your joy is poisoned right away, it disappears right away. You cannot even experience joy because you feel guilty. You spent money, it was always forbidden to spend money because the child does not know, he has stupid desires, he must not spend them. If you are trying to spend, you are to blame for everything, everything is poisoned. If we look at other aspects of this story, we are faced with the fact that leaving accusing nafs you finally allow yourself to desire. You are reaching the inspired nafs. And if you go further you try not just to be inspired, not just to live by everything, not just to be a man of peace without nationality, without borders. It`s a man of all faiths who is good with Jews, yogis, and everyone. He says that God is one for all, he is good and kind God. There is no sin, we must rejoice. Let's arrange some whistle with these idols, how to call them, foes of all kinds, our good Russian gods. Because they are also good, and they are for peace, for friendship and for everything everywhere. You can be in this state. You can have such a mindset. It’s clear that there’s something left from the accusing nafs plus maybe something else. But you can say, “Well not every religion can be good, but ours is better; they’re all good, but what I’m inspired by now is better, because it is more direct, it corrects karma better, in general, everything is done perfectly.”

If a person is looking for further development, then he must go through the dark night of the soul, even if it is small or big. The deeper the transformation the deeper the dark night of the soul, I wrote about this in the book “True Miracles” in sufficient detail, so I won’t stop here now. And there when landmarks are lost, when motivation is lost, this question “Why am I living?” is already a question of the seeker, it rises again because you are losing ground. Before that, you had ideas that you firmly believed in, because of which you suffered, but they served you. We know sometimes people even are ready to die for ideas, they fill your life and make sense. And when you begin to go to God and start the practices, you begin to strive for changing your state. And suddenly you find yourself in a situation where everything suddenly dissolved and disappeared. It can be said this is the first disappearance on the Path, the dark night of the soul, when all your motivation suddenly disappeared. And you forgot why you did, well, not that you forgot, you remember, but you understand that you suddenly find yourself in a void, that you have nothing to rely on.

So these ideas that you had were your support. You knew what was good, what was bad, you knew what was right, what was wrong. These ideas motivated you, they gave food to your mind, you always thought about how good it will be if all the bad ones die out, and the good ones stay the other way around and multiply. In this void the question arises "Why all this?", but there is no answer to it. Your condition does not allow to give an answer. This is the moment in which you just have to live accepting existing at the moment, here and now. Nothing is happened with me, I have nothing. If you don’t know what it is, it’s an extremely difficult period, very difficult. Because it’s as if it turns out that you walked, walked along the Path, you’re not going down the Path, you didn’t do anything for this, but you failed suddenly. You are between the worlds, the old world with all its hobbies is in the past, and the new one has not come.

When the dark night of my soul began, I could not read. In general, I always read quite a lot of this spiritual literature, because it was necessary to nourish aspiration, it helped. Good books written by Masters or by people who are enlightened strengthen the aspiration. And it was always interesting to me, and suddenly I felt that, well, not only all enlightenment stops attracting me there, I can’t read. I take the book, it doesn’t suit me, it all looks like some kind of nonsense. I started to read the fiction but it`s not much better. What used to be somehow liked, it also doesn’t come in. Earlier, you could get an impression through reading, but it somehow doesn’t look interesting and you stay on such a plateau, in which, in general, there’s nothing to cling to. And the feeling that you have gone nowhere, that you were walking, walking and not reaching, as if the Path ended and that’s all, there’s no Way, and you are nowhere.

The condition is difficult, but it is not without reason that it is called precisely the dark night of the soul. It looks as if the sun had disappeared and the hopeless night had come, in which there was no light. At the same time, different experiences and altered states occurred with me in the most amazing way even during this period of time. But they were unnoticed against this background of a general lack of everything. Well, okay, there came a mini enlightenment, and, in general, I realized that the insight came. I had something, I saw, took note that it appeared and disappeared and then everything remains the same, it did not make any fundamental changes to the situation. And a person feels overwhelmed, that is, as if he had experienced a real defeat, as if he had been wounded and almost killed. You can probably do something about this condition when you know what is happening to you. I didn't know. I went blind in this sense and therefore I sat for almost a year in this state. If I had been warned, it would be easier for me. If you know that you just need to wait out without hysterics, without any attempts to reverse this somehow by the effort of your own will. Because it doesn't break, this is the period when you have to change, this is the period of transformation, into which you shouldn’t especially pump like before, you should simply live, do the necessary things and wait and endure.

If you go calmly through this period, it looks like betrayal. This calm looks like betrayal, you burned, you aspired, you did practices, you did everything that you could. And suddenly everything cut off for you. And if you take it calmly, it looks as if you had said that it was nothing for all your past life, you would have recognized it. If you cannot recognize this, then you start to worry internally, you start to trouble about it. And these feelings themselves bring in a dissonance, they stretch the situation and lengthen your transition. You have simply be aware and calmly accept that there is, to be in what is without trying something and somehow radically change. Because all these flutterings slow down the process rather than accelerate.

The dark night of the soul is one story, there is another story that happens to seekers regularly, and it is called crises on the Path. You fail in a crisis, that is, you go, go, your awareness grows, you periodically experience some sublime states and everything moves progressively. Because of these states at least you have certain impressions that allow you feel that you are on the Path, that you are moving, that processes are going on, and then you are falling. Your sensitivity decreases, your perception circumcised, you begin to feel less of the subtle energies. A clouding of the mind arises which not close to a depressive state, but it is like an obscuration, in which everything seems meaningless. Frankly speaking, the search for meaning always begins from a sense of meaninglessness, as the search for bliss begins from suffering, as the search for peace begins from constant anxiety. When you have lost the sense, when your mind is darkened and it seems to you that all this does not have the slightest meaning and sense, not only that, it was all for nothing. Such states happen on the Path.

Here are the crises, they just have two reasons. The first one is that you opened inside yourself another depressed layer in which there is a disgust for yourself, disgust for everything, that very sense of the meaninglessness of the world and being from which you fled and suppressed it. Because people who is in harmony with the world do not come to search. People come to the search when the world can’t give their claim, to satisfy the inner need that they have. And now when it has been revealed - this is one story. There are crises of a different kind when you need to change your situation, you need to take new actions, you need to pump in a new way, but you are not ready, you cannot. And a gap of a different type arises here in which you are just in. With regard to crises, where it`s opened up and it came to light, the practices of expression, purification, and awareness help here. In essence, you can work out quickly the layer of this negative energy.

There is a crisis when you outgrew the situation in which you are. Usually it`s connected with the external situation, it`s rarely connected with the internal situation. Because our internal changes always entail some external ones. This crisis occurs often when you need to make efforts, for example, and to go talking to someone you were afraid to talk to before, for some reason you couldn’t, there was a ban. When you need maybe to change the type of activity when there is a clear understanding, and a clear dissatisfaction that the work that you are doing now or that activity in which you are in, it already, well, doesn’t match what you feel. That is, you didn’t like it before, but now it goes so far against it, it gives you neither realization nor satisfaction so much that staying on it looks completely inadequate. It constantly maintains a state of dissatisfaction, but you need to come to the point of doing it smoothly, calmly and directly sublimely. As they say, “If you cannot change the situation, change your attitude to it”. This is often the wrong approach, because in order to grow further we need to change the external situation. Remaining simply in a situation of dissatisfaction without doing anything externally for this, we usually doom ourselves to the fact that we will have internal stagnation.

For example, you could work or be in a family situation, or in some kind of relationship with relatives, I don’t know. When you have had this situation for many years, you were unsatisfied and you crushed it somehow, you somehow didn’t look at it. You were still happy with something there, you liked one half and you didn’t really like the second half. And then you outgrew this half and try to stay in this situation saying that well, I’m a spiritual person. I’ll pump up everything with Light just now and it’ll be fine. It’s self-deception, it means that you not ready to change your `circumstances. If you are not ready to change your circumstances, you are not ready to grow and make some action. Sometimes the action is very simple, but they always require a change of life and the same existence in which you are sitting in here for last few years.

Sometimes it is necessary to break down with someone, sometimes on the contrary it is necessary to come together with someone, sometimes you need to change job or leave work. Sometimes you need to find a job on the contrary, and already to start working finally, glory to you, Lord. Different things happen to the seekers they manage to sit without work for some reason, to survive, as they say, at the expense of others. And then, if you are ready to take this step, you are ready for change. This means that your crisis is a feeling of the gap between what you have now and where you need to go now. Because in the new situation you have new opportunities. And if you are pumping anger now due to the fact that you do not like the situation you are in, then you are unlikely to experience satisfaction someday, or joy, you are unlikely to take off in this situation. You need either to transform very, very deeply so that it doesn't matter to you, but it’s also stupid. But there’s a way to fulfill your desires. You raised your desire and energy, you look at it and you’re just in meditation. You dissipate it in this contemplation. It takes time, it requires an attention. The stronger the desire, the more difficult to work with it. And if you believe that it can be realized, you will not dispel it to the end. You can weaken its strength at present moment, but its root will remain, and it will return.

So, if you have a desire to eat an apple, you need to go to the store to get it. But if you decide to sit down and work with this desire, then you are `idiots. Because there are desires that are easier to fulfill than to fight with them wasting energy on them. It’s the same thing if you could change yourself so much that this situation would cease to hurt you, it would become comfortable for you. Then as a rule you should degrade and not develop. Because the more you develop, the more you understand the absurdity of this situation, which you got into. Well, it was generally bad when you were not doing well, and then you need to take a step, then you need to change something. If you are not ready for these changes, then you start to delay, then your crisis deepens, then a question "Why am I here?" necessary to refer to ourselves. You are here because it is exactly what you like here, apparently, or because you are afraid to get to another place and to a different situation. This is your choice.

You don’t have much choice in that dark night of the soul, this is a consequence of your movement. Generally, it’s an important event, as everyone writes that the darkest night is before dawn. Smart people congratulate everyone, they say that you are in the dark night of the soul congratulating you, well done. But the person looks at them like that, and he thinks to himself that they are saying something wrong. Here you can change a situation and circumstances in which you are. It depends exactly on you. Well you can always say that it’s not from me, you can always say that the Lord came here, that’s what He built, that it`s karma again. Well I can’t offend my loved ones and tell them everything that I think. So I’ll put up with it. You stop at this place, your dissatisfaction grows. The higher your dissatisfaction is, the worse it will be for you and the less opportunities you have. You are not doing what you need, you are missing the transition point which is ripe, and you are passing it. You are entering a new circle. You are wasting time on the same thing. And the further you go into this dissatisfaction, the worse your opportunities are, the worse your further situation will be.

And I have watched more than once when people miss a moment, they live in a situation of dissatisfaction, they do nothing due to `cowardice, as a rule. They say, “Well I can’t yet”. Well, in general, they can’t apparently because of fear. They miss the moment when it was necessary to make changes. Then I saw very often when a person wanted to change jobs, he dragged on for about a year, and he was kicked out of work and he remains in a much worse situation. Because here he could search and find the option itself, but he is already fired, it's a little different situation. I have seen a lot of similar situations, which are family ones and others, when a person misses a moment and he immediately finds himself in a bad position. Not right away, approximately in a year, but his position changes for the worse.

So here, if you miss the moment on the Path, you enter a new circle, you miss the opportunity. If we are talking about maximally direct rise, then this should be remembered. Look at the causes of a dissatisfaction that has accumulated in you, look why you are here, what is happening to you now. What you are not looking at directly, what you are afraid to see? What do you deny? What part of your desire whether your need or may be your own condition, in general? Because sometimes you don’t have a desire, but your energy susceptibility, for example, is such that you just feel the heaviness of the people with whom you communicate. You just feel uncomfortable with them physically. You fill painfully from their energy. It happens. May be it`s not related to your desires, but you need to change the circle of communication, you need to get out of it, you can’t get anywhere. It’s just a matter of survival, it’s getting back to it, we return to it. As a rule, this happens naturally on the Path, but the crises that people fall into are usually associated with the denial of what they need to do, or it is time to do something, or with the denial of those desires that were still unfinished and not realized. They pop up and manifest, it was deeply suppressed, and it cuts through now. They deny it, and in this denial they fall into crisis, then these very questions begin again.

Another question from the series “Why am I here?” appears when a person begins to search for his destiny. Or rather this question sometimes does not come from a negative state but from such a positive desire to find one’s place or somehow to be realized more fully. And many people flock with a question of a mission, it’s true that you can’t do anything about it. But there is a point. It concerns your destination. Each person has a set of certain essential properties and qualities, for someone they are manifested to a greater extent, for someone less. I will not say directly it`s a talent or a gift, but there is a certain set of predisposed abilities, included already. Someone draws well, he can draw right away, someone is well versed in technology and so on. There are different types of thinking, different types of perception, different types of manifestation. Everyone has abilities, and if we talk about a mystical destination, for example, this is a difficult question. It`s very rare that it opens until fifth stage of the nafs so that the mission is open directly to someone. There are exceptions, we know them. But still, it is when the Will of God begins to manifest in your being, that there some sort of specification can already manifest itself more specifically.

In fact, you know your strengths yourself. It`s another matter that you do not accept them or do not consider them as strengths. If the accusing nafs is still present, there is self-condemnation, you devalue yourself because of the inferiority complex, or because of the feeling that you are unworthy, such false modesty is still there. Then you may miss some of your abilities that exist. You use them not completely and do not develop. Because ability is ability, it needs to be developed if you want to do something, to manifest yourself in some way and your presence in this world. And this is necessary. Our ego is based on the fact that it is trying to strengthen and manifest itself. What is an awareness? Yes, we increase the energy of Consciousness, we increase our presence energy, and not even ours. If we take into account that Consciousness is an attribute of God, then we increase the Divine Light in the world, for that matter.

By ourselves, we are a set of states of three bodies, and it is the Light of Consciousness that makes it all alive. You can look impartially and without denying at your abilities, on what you wanted as a child. I know that some people push themselves so, in general, they don’t even know then. They look inside and there’s very good an asphalt pad, it has very high quality, but nothing grows out of it. If you recall what attracted you in childhood and in adolescence, around those years, then you will see those qualities and abilities that you have and which you would like to manifest, what you are inclined to. Maybe you are inclined to some kind of analytical work, maybe creative, maybe physical. Maybe you are an outstanding ascetic, we don’t know, someone who will give an example to everyone will stand on a pillar in the middle of the square and stand to intimidate people.

What? This is for sins atonement… For this they not make stand on a pole. For sins atonement a pillar standing is exercised, it`s very much appreciated in Orthodoxy. Well, I heard that.

Therefore, in order to understand why you are here, look at your abilities, what you came up with. Because what you were taught will be successful later only if it matches your essential abilities, what you came with. It will work well when one lies into the other and will be combined. If you were taught things that are not close essentially to you, then you can’t work. Then as a result your work is not going on and you are in the wrong place, you feel yourself not where you should be. Exactly why, among other things. Regarding high missions, you need to be prepared for them, but regarding readiness things are as good as with the ability to pump. You can’t pump and become a conductor because you have blocked energy centers, your internal space is blocked. And all that you can pump are negative emotions. Yours price is three cents in terms of some situations in which you could be useful to our Lord, let’s speak directly.

And if you are preparing to follow the Will in order to become to some extent a conductor of the Will and His instrument, then the cleansing the channel of your perception and your readiness for changes to occur in your life is a necessary condition. Because the Lord leads in different Ways, He leads you in the most direct Way to himself, but there can be serious changes in your life. If you are not ready for them internally, you are not ready to follow, and accordingly, what purpose can you have? You can be given any mission, any mandate, but you are not ready for its fulfillment, you are not ready for self-giving. For example, you may want to live longer; but for those who want to live longer, while directly preserving and conserving themselves indefinitely, there is not a place on the Path. As far as the higher stages of the Path are concerned complete dedication is needed.

And the question of readiness, moreover readiness in the broadest sense, is always your state. It is always the sum of your fears, desires, because sometimes we are not ready not because we have a lot of fear, we are not ready because we want another at the moment. We are not yet ready to move to some new stage of the Path, precisely because we still have desires that bind us here, and we cannot refuse them. We want to realize them, and therefore we will still sit here. Not only fear holds, desires hold no less, attachments hold, and everything else. And the degree of readiness is being honed exactly on the Path, when we go through crises, when we learn to supply energy in such a way for it to go, for it to be a stream. It doesn’t matter what we deliver, in this case the quality itself is important, that we can, that we have no blocks, that we are not afraid to prove ourselves.

As a result, each stage prepares us for a new movement passing through all the stages. So you can get out of the control of desires, to start living, to go through transformations and through different things, and this all is a matter of readiness. And readiness is only your condition, which depends on you and which you can change, if you start working on what just holds you. Ultimately, each person determines for himself why we live or why each of us lives. But we always lose the goal on the Path. That is, the higher states as the goal cease to bother. Some enlightenment in itself ceases to bother. Following the Will when you live it, in general, it also ceases to bother. Because you are in harmony with what is happening, and with what comes. And even when awareness grows, the action begins to split into segments “here and now” and then the question “Why?” ceases to be at all. Because this is the action you are in, this is the situation you are in with full awareness, with a full sense of energy. You are now inserting it in physical action, in mental work, in some kind of feeling, it does not matter, in the totality of all this. When you are present in it, every action in you becomes a pleasure by a mysterious way.    

You do not need any external pleasures that are familiar, because when you eat and are present in it, you feel good that you feel this energy all moving. It’s also wasted, but earlier you used to need huge expenditures of energy for pleasure, you had to drink and dance, relatively speaking. Now just the presence in these small streams is enough, the presence in what is happening. Everything already becomes a pleasure including even painful conditions. I went through this at one time, you are sick and you feel good, it’s amazing. You feel bad, but the very feeling of this presence is so great. Yes, one can complain to someone else. It`s so nice, Lord, how good it is. The question “Why?” ceases to excite, it falls off because it does not make sense. What is it is self-sufficient, this presence is enough without any kind of extension. Because the question “Why?” is from the mind. The question in itself is posed by the mind, there’s no getting anywhere. And as soon as you get out of the mind, you begin to live in what it is, and the mind does the work that is necessary without any thoughts of a philosophical nature. You are free from this "Why?" You are free from goals and then all goals become mysteriously closer to you. They are, as it were, partially achieved already. This is the beauty of the Path, the beauty of higher states, and the beauty of awareness.


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